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| The more I think about going away for uni the more I realize that it'll probably never happen. I'll just be stuck here.
Somehow I ended up talking to mum about how much I hated it here (it was on the long ride to Tampines Mall, don't ask me why I bother going there) and she went on and on about how hard it is to make a living here and why everyone MUST be so academically driven. She's such a product of the system. The long slew of pro-academia ramblings was provoked by my own jabbering about people not caring about the environment or doing what they loved doing just because it wouldn't make them millions and the lack of hippie loafers (meant to describe happy carefree people who cared about going green and being happy and nice to others and being good people minus the materialism). When I said I'd be fine living on a farm and growing my own produce and living on just what I needed to, all she said was, "How are you gonna buy a farm without money??" Psssccchhhtt. Stupid. So stupid 'cause it actually makes sense.
(I forgot why I brought this up, it doesn't relate to the first sentence at all)
Then she was on about Kai and how much my aunt has to pay for his education, USD$60,000 for his first year alone, and that London will be so much more expensive (£££). I swear I calculated it to be about S$60,000 including living expenses etc, but perhaps I was wrong, though I doubt so. Then after that, becasue of my protest insisting that my calculations weren't flawed and implying she was ridiculous, she brought up my other cousin, saying how that after 5 years in the US, his parents still have to give him an allowance because he can't find a job. Which is true. He is getting pretty old, and he's jobless. But I don't know, he'll find one eventually, and it's okay, he looks like he's having fun. Not fun in the frivolously spending obscene amounts of money sense, but just enjoying simple things. Everyone else doesn't get it. Why not?
(This doesn't really relate to the opening line aside from it being about education, but I'm getting to that bit, I think)
Last night's beyond brief conversation with Jing reminded me to look up SAT test dates. I'm again starting to think that there's no point in taking them (don't want to take subject tests). I guess the whole thought of the future and universities just overflowed. So after lunch I went to look at CSM's website thing again (for the bajilionth time since last year) and I was reminded that I'll probably never get in. They take in what, 60 students for their womenswear undergrad course (probably not even 60 people btw), and what are the chances that they'll pick me? Every year approximately 2 to 3 students apply for 1 available spot; this is consistent for every single course. But for fashion, they get 10 people per spot, rather than JUST 2 or 3. Why am i incompetent?
As much as I hate to admit it, Omeet's right. I don't have a backup plan. My backup plan used to be some regular person school like LSE or NYU or somewhere like that, but I don't know, none of their courses really interest me all that much, and the US application system is gibberish to me. Then there's the matter of school fees and SAT subject tests or whatever (all gibberish). So it looks like I'll just be stuck here (if I can't even get into any of CSM/LCF's other courses) and really, there's zero consolation. Yes, zero, there's absolutely nothing good about this stupid place. (A part of me hopes the government will sue me for hating Singapore so much, 'cause that'll be fun)
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| I would post this on fb, but it's been pretty sparse over hereUSING ONLY ONE WORD!
It's not as easy as you might think! Copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It's really hard to only use one word answers. Be sure to tag the person you received it from.
1. Where is your cell phone?
Here
2. Your significant other?
Nowhere
3. Your hair?
Cut
4. Your favourite thing?
Unknown
5.Your dream last night?
Indistinct
6. Your favourite drink?
Fat
7. Your dream/goal?
Everything
8. What room you are in?
Sleep
9. Your hobby?
Many
10. Your fear?
Myself
11. Where do you want to be in 6 years?
Famous
12. Where were you last night?
Here
13. Muffins?
Cupcakes
14. Wishlist item?
Unending
15. Where you grew up?
Here
16. Last thing you did?
Thought
17. What are you wearing?
Usual
18. Your TV?
Outside
19. Your pets?
Dead
20. Friends?
Few
21. Your life?
Hung
22. Your mood?
Sleepy
23. Missing someone?
Always
24. Car?
Environment
25. Something you're not wearing?
Thong
26. Your favorite store?
H&M
27. Your favorite color?
Shiny
28. When was the last time you laughed?
Just
29. Last time you cried?
Days
30. Who will resend this?
Someone
31. One place that I go to over and over?
Chinatown
32. One person who emails me regularly?
Robots
33. Favorite place to eat?
Home
That was quite a boring note Wes, haha. One word is hardly fun. You need a whole string of them. That's why the dictionary's fat.
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| I think I'm in trouble for Paper 2 tomorrow. I haven't prepared 10% as much as I normally would for English, I think Paper 1 just shattered my hopes at even getting a 6, so I might as well just heck it. I think I'll look over my still-incomplete Huck comic thing that is essentially chapter summaries. I'm a little worried about my grades. After the paper I will do WL, and spend Friday doing WL and making Business notes, and mugging. I WILL MUG.
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| When you hardly know someone, it's easy to think that they're a unicorn.
Fact versus figment.
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| Side note: I feel like eating creamed honey. LUSH!I'm good at pretending. For a whole month I pretended mid years didn't exist, and that world lit was really just far far away. As usual, everything is coming full circle and biting me in the ass. I'm that much of a genius. The only constant is change. Today I tried to make a change. I tried to start running again. It was an abysmal attempt, but an attempt nonetheless. I have no drive, no incentive to do anything now. There's so much I want to do, but for some reason, nothing gets done, even things I really want to do. I have become pathetic. But right, pathetic I will no longer be.
As with change, life does have some constants (although temporal), not everything changes in a few months. People change, but despite that, it's all the same. We're all the same, it's bizarre how so many people think in the same way and act/react just like you do. Make yourself vulnerable to someone (you're so wise JY, it's spaz to say I miss having class with you, but I'm silly like that), then go tell them a little secret/embarrassing thing, and be pleasantly surprised that you're not as ridiculous as you thought you were. It's comforting. Seeking refuge in numbers. I like that. Makes me feel less alone, and maybe, more alive. Little changes, and since change is gradual, it might take a good long time before you realize any of it. I still love the people I love (yes, I mean love, like brothers/sisters/lovers/haters) and hate the people I hate. Hate's a strong word. I often believe I'm inherently evil and do my best to counteract that by being the best person I could be (I'm such a cliche), but there are some things I can't stand about some people and I've decided to no longer put up with such things. It's unfair and inevitable, so I'm going to stop bothering. Yet I'll try to like/love you annoying beings all the same.
Start something, stop other things, resist but love change.
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True